The Stellar College Application Essay
One of the most common problems with college application essays is that from the reader’s side, they all begin to sound alike. Certainly, every applicant is unique, but the factors that make you stand out from the crowd can be easily lost in a dull presentation in your college application essay. This is true, even if your grammar and spelling are impeccable.
So, following are portions of sample college application essays to help you see how to make your essay be memorable and stand out from the others.
It is common for you to make notes, in chronological order, about what you want to present in your essay. But, the problem occurs when your essay ends up in the exact same order as your notes. Consider this “Ho-Hum” example:
My uncle gave me my first kite when I was seven. It was a superman kite made of plastic. I flew it for thirty minutes before it got tangled in a tree at the park near my house. I got my second kite the following summer. It was an expensive cloth kite from a store downtown. I was able to fly that kite over and over again all summer long. By the time I was ten, I owned ten kites. I learned a lot about what shapes flew best and soon began building my own kites. I attended kite-building workshops. When I was twelve, I won an award at a local kite-flying event. The following year, I brought home three awards from the same event. By the age of fifteen, the judges moved me to the adult competition’s because I was winning all the available award’s When my uncle died, I built a Double French Military Kite that was seven feet wide and I added tails in his honor…
Obviously, this essay lists the kite-flyers achievements, as they were earned, ending with the conclusion that what this person learned, through experiences in kite- building and kite-flying, was profound and worthy of mention. Perhaps the writer will apply those lessons to life skills and aptitudes developed for education in a college or university.
Now, let’s see what changes in this essay, when the writer forgets about the order of events and starts with something truly memorable.
There were dozens of colored dots in the sky that afternoon, but all I had eyes for were the shades of purple in my own Double French Military Kite. This was the third version I had built of this kite and, at seven feet wide, this one lifted its long, streaming tails beautifully, which I had added in honor of Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe got me hooked on kites and mastering the power of wind and breeze when I was only seven, when he gave me a gift of a plastic Superman kite. We flew it only a few minutes before it tangled with a tree in the park near my house. The wounded kite would never fly again, no matter how many layers of duct tape I applied, to fix its broken wings. With enormous optimism and anticipation, I continued trying to fly the kite long after my uncle packed up for the day. I was convinced that if I just ran fast enough and long enough, the kite that bumped and dragged on the dirt behind me would eventually soar again.
This “better example” paints a broader, more comprehensive picture. Now, we understand more about the writer than just the fact that he or she flew kites for a long time. Here, we have an image of what sounds like a pretty impressive kite, seven feet long! We know right away that this kite means more to this person than just flying it and winning an award. The writer has conveyed an image, a memory, and some strong emotion throughout the essay.
Much of the information found in a strict chronological account of events can be summed up or left out altogether. In a successful college admissions essay, you will expound on some important event or memorable incident, and then you can tie that event to life lessons and attributes that make you a strong candidate for a particular college or university program.
Remember that your college application essay is going to be read right beside hundreds or thousands of others, all written by students who are also just graduating from high school. Talking about what a good time you had playing football or what a terrific learning experience it was to be in the high school marching band might not be the best examples to make you stand out from other prospective students. It is not that these experiences should be left out of a memorable essay. More importantly, however, you have to think in terms of specific lessons that you learned from memorable events. So, in your essay, depict for your reader one moment when being a member of a team actually empowered you.
I was on the volleyball team through four years of high school, and it was one of the most awesome experiences of my life. We won the state championship when I was a senior. We worked really hard and learned a lot about being a member of a team. As co-captain of my team, I learned a lot about leadership.
Now, let us look closely at this example. Maybe there is some enthusiasm expressed here, but where is the “meat” of the essay? Everyone has “awesome” experiences in high school. Everyone learns “a lot” from their experiences. Yawn. Expressing yourself in this way is boring and does not emphasize the strong points that you need to make.
Our teams were so evenly matched that we already passed the final game point back and forth across the net three times. I kept hearing the coach’s voice in my head, “Stay alert. Stay relaxed.” But my adrenaline was pumping so hard that I felt as if I could spring over the net unaided, with one single leap into the air. I watched the player from the other team lift her arm to serve the ball, and it was all I could do to maintain my position. What happened in a matter of seconds still feels like watching a slow-motion film. I could see that the ball was headed toward Bailey, the only freshman on our team who was still on the court. I can still see her feet leaving the floor, as she leaped to slam the ball back over the net for the final point. That point made our team, the Cougars, state champions in volleyball for the first time ever. I knew every senior on that team wanted to make that final point as much as I did. But, somehow, it was appropriate that the final point was scored, not by one of us, but by a member of our team who would go on to lead us to victory in volleyball the next season, and the season after that.
Again, the writer has created an image that will stick in the reader’s mind. This is not just a stereotypical “go team” volleyball story. There is tension expressed in this essay. And,, there are details included, showing growth and maturity. Thus, this becomes a powerful story and makes for a memorable essay.
These examples illustrate how to make an impression with your essay at the very outset, in the introduction. This “hook,” your initial paragraph, is crucial to writing your successful college application essay. You now have an opening to write about your personal experiences. In the first example, the writer talks about her growth as a leader on the volleyball team, perhaps comparing her own freshman year with her final year on the volleyball team.
Even when essays start out with powerful images, it is extremely common for them to trail off and fade away, leaving the reader no choice but to lose interest in the essay. Remember, the best essay ends as powerfully as it started. What is the best way to create a powerful essay?
Your essay introduction introduces the lesson or experience you want to highlight in your college admission essay. As you move into the body of your essay, the lesson is emphasized and you give it depth through other examples and by retelling some related events. However, in the end, you want your reader to return to that initial image. So, think in terms of bringing your essay full-circle, returning it to its point of origin, and tying all events and experiences together.
Ho-Hum Example
In conclusion, that’s how I got my start flying kites. In the ten years that followed, I have become one of the top kite builders in my region. I believe my experiences building kites will help me to become a more complete aeronautical engineer.
Better Example
Before Uncle Joe passed away, I would take building plans for large kites to the hospital and we would go over them, tweaking the designs and imagining how the kites would look flying high in the sky. Not only did I share my dreams of becoming an aeronautical engineer with him, but, in many ways, he was the one who planted the initial seed of my interest and encouraged me from the beginning. Uncle Joe only had a high-school education, but every minute I was with him he was talking to me about possibilities and where I could go with my interest and skill set. He also never failed to remind me about how much was left for me to learn. When I won that award for flying my Double French Military Kite with my Uncle Joe’s name flying high on the tails, all I could think about was what I would do next. There is a satisfaction in seeing something that you have built with your own hands, breaking the bond of gravity, as the kite soars in the sky. I look forward to formalizing my education in aeronautical engineering and building something “bigger and better,” as Uncle Joe always said.